Will it ever stop being scary?

Last week was not one of my best. I had a lot going on at work and also have a lot of personal goals I consistently work toward accomplishing.

I was getting up early every morning and headed to work. I got home late almost every night and on top of that, I was not sleeping well. I got crabby with Jim more than once (sorry, Jim) and I just didn't feel right. I couldn't figure out what was going on with me. Thursday rolled around and I looked at my calendar. I had a doctor appointment on Friday. My mammogram. I realized then that I had known about this all week but just kept pushing it to the back of my mind. Now the day was almost here and I had to face it.

I woke up Friday morning scared. I tried to stop thinking about it but all I could think about was "What if it is back". I kept myself as busy as I could throughout the day but the thoughts kept coming through. Could I go through chemo again? My entire day was spent trying not to think about it. Without much success. Jim called to give his support and tell me he loved me. No matter what, I knew he would be by my side. He was headed to go caving for a while but I promised to let him know the minute I knew anything.

Finally it was time to head to the doctor. I got there right on time and got signed in. Since I have moved to Nashville I have come to appreciate the doctors here. I am in the Vanderbilt network and really enjoy them. They are prompt and always friendly. But the story is always the same. Take everything off from the waist up. Put the gown on. Go sit with the other women dressed like you in the waiting room until they call your name. Look at the other women and wonder if any of them have had cancer. Yesterday I felt like I could tell a couple of them had gone through what I had gone through. I can't tell you why. Maybe they are more comfortable in the Women's Health Center because they have been there so much. Maybe it's because they have a renewed appreciation for life and they smile at me just a little bit friendlier. Can they tell I've been through it also?

My name is called....... Miss Lanigan. I follow the nurse back to the little dark room with the machine that saved my life. I have to get the 3D mammograms now. Well, actually I don't "have" to but they recommend it. She takes what seems like a thousand photos from a thousand positions until finally we are done. Then she takes me back to the waiting room to sit with the other women again. Since I have had cancer, they read my results right away. I'm glad though. I would not want to go home and wait two or three days for results.

My name is called again and the new nurse takes me back to a room to wait for the doctor to come and give me my results. I sit and wait. And wait. And wait. I have myself convinced they have found something in my results and that is why it is taking so long. While I was waiting, I got a text from a dear friend. She had no idea where I was or what I was doing but we seem to have some shared energy that tells us when to contact the other. I told her what's going on and then I wait some more.

Finally, the doctor came in. She told me how good it was to see me and asked how I was doing. I told her that depended on what news she had for me. She smiled and said the report wasn't ready. The technician that was reading it had been stuck on another project and was running behind. So more waiting. We talked small talk and then she said she would go ahead and do the physical exam. So I hopped up on the lovely table and she did the exam. She said everything seemed great. Then she walked over to her computer and checked to see if my results were in. She looked at me and said, "And we have excellent news! Everything looks great and your mammogram showed no abnormalities". I think I took a deep breath for the first time that week.

I'm pretty certain I floated out of the office. I set my next appointment. Told everyone Merry Christmas. Smiled at strangers. And hugged myself when I got in the car. I texted Jim immediately. Then I let my brother and sister-in-law know. And my friend that had texted me. Then I kind of wanted to enjoy the news by myself. Jim called and asked if I could meet him and the group he was caving with for dinner. I told him no. I had all kinds of emotions going on and just wanted to relax.

It has been almost three years now since I was diagnosed. Before I left the doctor's office she said that because it is still fewer than five years, I have to see her every six months. I only have to have the mammogram once a year though. I wonder if after the five years it will be less scary. I honestly don't think so. It seems to be a form of PTSD that I don't think I will ever get over. There is definitely life after cancer but there are still those moments that put me in a state of almost panic. Sometimes I think to myself that I just won't go to the doctor anymore. But going to the doctor faithfully is what caused me to find my cancer so early and have it taken care of.

For now, I will just have to live with the fear each 6 months. And I will continue to preach to women to get your mammograms! Today, I took a 6 mile walk and appreciated every step of the way. Life is good!